God, Zeus and cloud lifts
by onemore-show
Summary: AU PG13 just to be safe. Zeus has some unfinished business involving Homer to take care of.......now, if only he could remember what it was...(Just chancing the whole 'humour' thing) Ch.3 up! FINALLY!
1. It's getting eery

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters from The Simpsons. I don't own God. I don't own Zeus. I don't own Alanis Morisette. I don't own Ticket Master. And I don't own that whole 'God's hand appearing in a cloud' thing.

Summary: Basically, this is the pilot…chapter. I wrote this a few months ago for my friends to read between classes. To see the real summary, you just have to read on….

"You have reached the Ticket Master hotline. Please enter the three digit code of the event you wish to purchase tickets for."

'Uggg…Automated voices are always eering me out….' Homer thought as he glanced at the newspaper. He was trying to order tickets to the Alanis Morisette concert for Lisa. He didn't really know who she was, just that she was some hippy from Canada. 

Lisa's birthday was coming up, and according to Marge, Lisa was 'dropping little hints here and there'. Homer thought her hints should have been a little bigger. Marge said that was because men (she probably meant 'Homer') don't get subtle stuff. 

Homer punched in the number, but nothing happened. 'Why is this taking so long' His brain whined. 

"Shut up brain," Homer muttered. He rested his head on the arm of the chair, and slung his feet onto the cushions. All the waiting sure was tiring. His eyes were just closing when-

"You have selected the _Alanis Morisette _concert. There are _zero _tickets remaining for this event. If you wish to purchase on or more of these tickets, please enter your credit card det-"

Homer hung up. This wasn't fair. Why was it that only a 'chosen few' got everything? Homer sat on the couch for a while, feeling sorry for himself and Lisa. This was the only thing she wanted that wasn't a pony.

"Wait a minute!" Homer cried aloud. "I know someone who has everything and who _can't_ refuse me!" He jumped up from his chair, and ran next-door.

He bashed on Flanders' door. "Flanders," He called. "I have a question about God." When no-one answered, Homer raised his voice a little further. "You know, your Messiah. Your mother-ship pilot. Your temple owner. Your-"

Ned opened the door. "Sorry about that Homer. I was just-"

"No time," Homer muttered. "idea forming,"

"So, you wanted to ask me something. About…._God_?" Ned looked a little worried.

"Yeah, uh…..he has everything, right?"

"Well, in a spiritual sense mayb-"

"I mean _everything."_

"Well Homer, I suppose he does, but only in a-"

"Okay. Thanks!" Homer ran from Ned's door, leaving him slightly bewildered. What sort of weird plan did he have now?

Homer knelt by the couch. "Dear Lord. I'm not a holy man. I'm not a particularly handy man-I am working on that though. But I know one thing; I am a holy man."

Suddenly, a cloud appeared in the living room, and a giant hand came out of it. "Get on with it!" A voice shouted. "My son is graduating in a few minutes and if I'm not there _this_ time-"

"I'm sorry Lord! I'll be quick." 

"You'd better," The voice threatened. The fist clenched, and was shook at Homer. "'Cause if you're not…."

Homer stood up. "You see, it's my daughter's birthday this week, and she really wants to go to this concert, but it's all sold out. And I thought, maybe you could, like, distract the guards while I sneak my daughter in or something."

"Which concert is it?" God's tone lightened. 

"Alanis Morisette….."

"I see. Well, I'm sorry about that Homer, but _I'm_ taking _my_ daughter to see that concert. I'd sneak you in, but we have front row seats, and, well, _you _know." The hand raised up, the palm facing outwards, then came back down again.

Homer's jaw fell open. "_You_ have a _daughter_?" 

"Well, a few hundred years after the whole fame thing kicked in, I thought it was time to settle down. I never really loved Mary you know. She was just a really good friend. Besides, Joseph was always there, and he didn't really like me. He was also kinda good with a hammer….. So I married Mary's cousin. She was only married for money in the first place, and she photographed well. So much better than all my other girlfriends…."

"So that explains the graduation…" Homer sat on the floor.

"Yeah, when you live forever you can pretty much have a ton of kids at any time. No time is convenient, but then every time is…." Homer had now learned two new things about God; He said 'you know' a lot, and once he got going….(he also noticed the over-use of '……' in this story).

"Yeah, that's a nice story an' all, but what do _I_ do?"

"Hmmmm……."God sighed. "Yeah, that _is_ a tough one…"

"Can't I just, like, have your tickets? I mean, you're God! Millions of people look up to you. You're like Bono….They'd let you in for free, right?"

"Homer, that'd be wrong." God tut-tuted. 

"You made the rules. Change them!" 

"No!" God boomed.

"Yeah!" Homer forgot about the whole 'fear God' thing.

"No!"

"Yeah!"

"Homer, if you don't be quiet, I'll make it that you only live three months instead of six!" God shouted, his cloud turning black.

Homer stopped talking, and froze.

"Knew it'd work," God muttered.

"I'm only gonna live for six more months? But why? I eat right, I exercise, I do everything that the bible tells me-" Homer remembers when he was drunk, and there was a big chocolate cake on the table, and he could hear the bible saying 'eat the cake eat the cake eat the cake' "-and I eat right!"

"You're very repetitive."

"Thank you. Anyway, my point is _why_ am I going to die so young? I have a family, which everyone knows that I'm the backbone of. They'd fall apart without me,"

"Homer, this isn't my fault. Cut me some slack. This is Zeus's doing." God whined.

"What does _he_ have to do with me?" Homer folded his arms.

"I don't know the whole story, but the word on the street is that you made him _MAD. _He wants to talk to you….but his waiting room is full, and you'd have to stay in his garden. He _really_ doesn't want that…" God laughed.

"Well, yeah, that's understandable….but why does he have to kill me to see me? Can't he just do what you're doing right now?"

"I'm doing something?" God sounded worried.

"The whole 'cloud and giant hand' thing." 

"Oh, yeah. Zeus doesn't do that whole scene. He's more into only sending his voice, cause he can make it really terrifying. But he wouldn't send his hand because…"God chuckled. "Now, Homer, you're not to tell _anyone_ I told you this, but he has _really_ small hands."

Homer fell on the floor with laughter, clutching his sides. "That's…..that's priceless!" He said between laughs.

"Oh, shoot," God's hand disappeared so he could rub the back of his neck. "Now I really have to go. I'm late again!" The cloud slowly grew smaller and smaller. "See you in six months." God called. "Or maybe twelve. It depends how long Zeus keeps you for, and if you were a good student in Sunday school."


	2. Little Zeusy

Homer got off the floor, and stared up at the place where God had been. "But, what about…….?" 

Lisa never got the concert tickets. Or her pony. Homer just hoped she knew he'd tried.

Six months later, Homer found himself outside huge black gates, just sitting in the clouds. The last thing he remembered was falling asleep at work. Now he was here. Wherever 'here' was. It kind of felt like Missouri.

The gates swung open. "Zeus is expecting you," A harsh secretary-type voice rang out into the emptiness.

"The 'Zeus thing' again? I thought that was over. Well, I guess not," Homer said to himself, as he walked in the haunting gates. They closed with a crash behind him as he walked into some mist. "Hey, where'd that come from?"

Homer looked around. The mist had somehow just disappeared. He was standing in a garden, filled with trees and flowers, but everything was kind of dead looking. As if it had been burnt. "We _have _been burnt," A small voice said as Homer walked up a black cobble-stone path.

"What?" Homer turned around.

"I said, 'We _have_ been burnt." 'Oh,' Homer thought. 'It was only a flower….A FLOWER!' Homer looked back questioningly at the small flower, it's singed petals about to fall off.

"Yes," The flower tried to smile. "Zeus throws bolts of lightening out his window when he is annoyed by something-or someone. So we always suffer."

"Aww," Homer knelt down beside the flower. "He's that bad, huh? I have to go see him in a minute, and I'm kinda nervous. I don't have anything prepared."

"It doesn't matter. You can't prepare for Zeus. You'd better be going. You're late," The flower put it's head down. "Good luck," it whispered.

Homer continued up the path. He stopped when he came to a sign pointing to a black door, hanging off it's hinges. Another victim of Zeus's wrath. The sign read: 

_This way to your doom. _

Or, if applying for a job, 

head in the opposite direction 

(which also leads to your doom)

'So I guess either way is good' Homer sighed. 

"NO!" The voice thundered from nowhere in particular. "Are you applying for a job? No, you're not! So you go in the opposite direction to the people who are applying for a job!" The voice paused, slightly confused. "Or, just,…… READ THE FREAKIN' SIGN!"

"O-okay," Homer stuttered, turning the handle on the door. There was, in fact, a waiting room. It looked just like any waiting room Homer had ever been in, be it a doctor's or a dentist's, or that time he had to get a blacksmith to cut off that horseshoe… but that's another story. There was one problem with the waiting room; there was no receptionist. 

Homer sat down, and immediately that voice came back. "Homer Simpson; second door on the left."

Homer looked for the door. But there were only two doors in the room; one of which being the one he came in through, and the other was a door on the right. "But, uh, there isn't any door on the left…."

"JUST GO THROUGH THE DOOR, YOU IDIOT!"

"Yes sir," Homer squeaked. The voice growled. "I-I mean yes _ma'am,_"

Homer entered the dim room. Zeus was there, but he was really tall, so Homer could only see a torso and a beard, Zeus's head was somewhere near the top of the ceiling, which was a long way off and populated with clouds.

"Homer, do you know why you're here?" Zeus thundered. Homer shrugged. "May I remind you," Zeus shouted. "That I cannot see you, and therefore I did not see that shrug,"

"But you _just_ said-"

"SILENCE! There is no room for _stupidity_ in my office. Now, answer me. And do it properly."

"Yes sir. And, um, no, I don't know why I'm here."

"Oh," Zeus sounded embarrassed. "Well, neither do I. Did anyone tell you at _all_?"

"No. I only heard that you wanted to see me from God." Homer felt slightly more relaxed now that he wasn't being shouted at, and it helped that Zeus seemed quite uncomfortable.

"God? That conniving little… So, no-one mentioned it to you at _all_?"

"No," Homer repeated. "But my memory kinda sucks, so someone _could_ have said something to me….. But I generally don't remember things again until someone gives me some morphine….."

"Homer," Zeus boomed. "I'm not here to give bribes," 

"What're you implying?" Homer narrowed his eyes. "I never do _anything_ like that…." He paused. "Meet me by the pile of ashes in five minutes," He mock-whispered. 

"HOMER!"

"I really don't know what you're implying," Homer folded his arms, and turned away. Then he looked back and winked.

"Do you even realise-"

"Tut-tut," Homer sighed. "This has already been discussed. Don't you know how much of my time you've wasted? For shame," He glared up at the ceiling.

"You're right Mr. Simpson. I'll try to do better," Zeus had taken on a child-like air.

"Yes, that's right, young Zeus. You keep thinking that and one day you'll be the little goodie-goodie who everyone at school picks on,"

"You really think so Mister?" Zeus asked.

Homer nodded. "I sure do Timmy-uh, I mean, Zeus." He added hastily.


	3. The guy behind the desk

Disclaimer: See ch.1.....and/or possibly 2

A/N: Sorry about the delay. I'm just easing back into it.

Summary: Uh....basically just continuing what happened in the first two chapters of the story....because, this _is_ the third one, like.....

Homer was now sitting behind the desk and Zeus was standing in front of him, head still miles away.

"So," Homer crossed his legs. "What're we going to do about _this_ then?

"About what, mister?" Zeus(y) replied, still acting all innocent.

"You know about what!" Homer shouted, making thunder clap in the ceiling. Zeus screamed girlishly. "About why you don't remember why I'm here in the first place!"

"Wait!" Zeus cried. "I've just remembered what it was I wanted you for!"

"Really? Homer leaned forward, placing his elbows on the desk, and putting his chin in his hands.

"Yeah," Zeus was trying his hardest to be sincere. "But I need my chair back before I can tell you,"

"Look, Zeus, if that _is_ your real name, I'm not into bribery or blackmail of any kind." Homer had put on his 'business-type' voice. "Why would you need a chair just to....uh.....tell me stuff?"

Zeus was silent for a moment, thinking. "It's a guild thing,"

"Guild?"

"Yes, _guild_.....I mean union," He added hastily. "Sorry, but I've been around for a while, and the whole 'union' thing just never stuck. Can't teach a....god who's been around for a while new tricks, eh?" He laughed.

"Hey, Zeus," Homer stood up. "I just realised something. Something that could change the entire world!"

"_Really_? What?" Zeus asked, with interest.

"_Dog_ is _god backwards_. That can only mean one thing-"

"Dogs should be worshipped as gods!" Zeus cried.

"Uh, yeah," Homer replied in a low voice, his eyes darting from left to right. "_That_'s what I was thinking," He laughed fake-ly, then looked away.

"We'd better go tell the world right now! Starting with....Springfield!" Zeus turned to the door.

"Why do people always do that?" Zeus stopped walking. "What's so great about Springfield? Why not start in.....Hollywood?" Homer protested.

"Okay," Zeus started to the door again.

"No! I-I mean Springfield would be good. And they kinda need some publicity anyway...."

"Just make up your freakin' mind!" Zeus thundered.

"Tut tut,"Homer waggled a finger at Zeus. "Bad language should not be used when speaking to the guy in the chair,"

"Okay, you're right. Sorry," Zeus muttered, as he waited for Homer to catch up. "Now, come on, we'd better get to Springfield. Hmm, Springfield always sounded like such a great town. Where do you come from, Homer?" They started walking.

"Ummmmm..." Homer was wracking his brains trying to think of the last movie he had seen. Wayne's World! "Aurora,"

"Oh, cool. The city of lights, right, Chicago?"

"That's what the sign says," Homer laughed nervously.

Some Time Later.....

"So most people _actually_ don't do this?" Zeus was sitting with his right ankle resting on his left knee. He was very much relaxed, clearly well used to travelling by cloud.

"Uh, y-yeah," Homer was not so used to it, this being his first time, and he was looking straight in front of him so he didn't see the height at which they were.

"I just can't believe it. I don't think I'd be able to live that way" Zeus chuckled. "I suppose that's why I'm up there and you're all down there," He said, gesturing at the ever-nearing earth.

"No, please, don't make me look down!" Homer cried, clutching the soft white cloud.

"But it always relieves so much stress. You know, calling someone into your office, letting them know how much you hate them, and then bursting them into flames. Or into a billion pieces. The latter being the messiest, of course,"

Homer nodded in response.

"Homer," Zeus turned himself around to face him. "do you know anyone who feels the way I do? Who just needs to get rid of the annoyance, and get over the problem?"

"Hmmmm......" Homer thought for a moment. "well, there is _one_ person,"

"I must meet them! Do they live near Springfield?" Zeus started getting excited.

"Yes, but-"

"That's settled then!"


End file.
